#1; Don't Stand So Close to Me

[sandy { s e c r e t }]

Greetings to the students (and staff) of Somnium Academy.

I realize, of course, that most of you are probably confused, since there has never before been such a novel concept as a “gossip blog.” But I am here to tell you that this concept is novel and assure that you will all have good fun. I am, of course, solely committed to telling the absolute truth, so you know it’s good when it comes from the mouth of Sandy Secret. Or, well, the keyboard.

Since you’re all new and haven’t gotten the hang of it yet, I figure that today will be a rundown of the teachers; safe, easy, and fun for everyone.


Everyone is, of course, very different from everyone else, but most people fit into some group or another. The teachers here at Somnium Academy are no different, naturally, and, while they do have things that make them quite exceptional, I feel that it is my duty as a fellow student here at Somnium to warn you about certain things. For your convenience, I have picked out a few particular teachers and split them into three categories. I hope that you find this educational and entertaining.

Group 1: The Pedophiles

As the name suggests, these are the teachers who seem to be a bit…friendlier with the student body than strictly necessary. It’s very possible and even probable that nothing will ever happen, but…well….one can never be too sure, can they?

Elege Eternum; the Physical Education teacher
Possibly the biggest creep out of all of them, it seems as if he will flirt with anything lacking a Y chromosome, be she fourteen or forty-five. But who didn’t expect that, really? No one becomes a PE teacher because they want to inspire everyone into doing fitness. His only redeeming quality is that he is the youngest of the three. But still, is that really an excuse?

Kyle Ehrlich; the School Nurse
Being a male nurse at a high school is just asking for trouble. Honestly, all the things that could happen would really drive anyone to madness. I would have ignored that, however, if it weren’t for his new, ah, assistant, who seems to be a little bit young for the nurse, who is, after all, almost thirty.

Lawrence Grimmel; the Art teacher
Probably the most attractive, this artist is still just as sketchy as the others. He has been seen flirting with numerous students and allowing people to flock to him like mice. Self-esteem issues, perhaps? Or is he just a sleaze?

Group 2: The Freaks

Somnium Academy does seem to attract all sorts, but sometimes, it does seem to go a little far. These are the people that don’t even seem to fit in here, which is really saying something

Metella Pope; the Latin teacher
Who ever heard of a black Italian? Really? Racist remarks aside, however, she does seem to be quite the stone statue. Has anyone ever seen her smile? Has she ever smiled? Perhaps she’s got a lump of lead as cold as steel there, where a woman’s heart should be.
If you catch my drift.

Flick Arden; the Librarian
She does not seem to be able to finish sentences. Ever. I don’t understand how she manages to read so many books, doesn’t she get distracted by the air particles floating by? Either way, she’s an awful conversationalist and dresses like a blind woman.

Paris Musuko; the Chemistry teacher
He always just seems to look like he wants to die. Who wants to be around people who are that depressing? No one, that’s who. So unless you’re looking for a sob fest, you might want to steer clear of this particular professor.

Group 3: The Intimidating

While I’m sure you could figure this one out on your own, I thought I would give you a heads up, just in case. Some people are, after all, incredibly dense.

Remus Wolfe; Security
You might argue that security people should be intimidating, but really, do they have to be so hairy? I think not.

Abellio Dadga; the Headmaster
Not only is he the headmaster, but he is the silent, reclusive type. He clearly has a hidden agenda. I’m not so sure what else I can think on the subject.





Well, everyone, that’s it for now. Feel free to leave a comment if something I’ve said is wrong, though I can’t guarantee I’ll fix it.

Bringing you nothing but the truth
Sandy Secret™

[Crystal Dinaia]

[e-mail]

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Anonymous says:

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That's really awful to say about Mr. Musuko! He's a wonderful teacher that knows a lot about what he's teaching. He's not strange in the least, he's just.. well, misunderstood. Actually, he's an incredibly beautiful man. He's insightful and poetic, not a member of "The Freaks"!

[sandy { s e c r e t }]

Thank you for your correction, Anonymous. I will amend this article and put him into pedophiles immediately.

[Meredith Beckendorf]

[e-mail]

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Cain_Hargreaves says:

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Out of curiousity, do you have any relevantly unbiased opinions on anyone, or is everything you say always going to be so linear?

[sandy { s e c r e t }]

Well, Cain_Hargreaves, this is a gossip blog.
:]

[Meredith Beckendorf]

[e-mail]

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Cain_Hargreaves says:

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Touche. I'm silenced. *bows*